Hey Dolls. Just a quick post to let you all know I'm not dead yet. Its been a good week. Lots of work. Saw some movies (Tommy Knockers, Children of the Corn, Harold and Kumar go to white castle, and almost all of the Firefly series), and they where all good in a few ways. I will always have a place in my heart for Firefly and its beautiful mixture of sci-fi and western. It reminds me a lot of both Cowboy Bebop and Farscape, but really holds its own individuality. Everything else was more or less face value.

Halloween is approaching and I'm really looking forward to it all. I hope its not a bust, and I become even more of a dissapointment to myself. Costume wise I should be all set, and worst case senario, the entire thing ends with a Dresden Dolls Concert, so it can't end on that bad of a note. Actually, I shouldn't say that, because there are lots of terrible things that could happen, and most of them are buzzing through my brain as we speak. best not to think about them too much. They can smell fear you know.

Went painballing with Matt and Lyman Saturday Morning. Quite awesome. Towards the end, I was running out of ammo before I ever got hit, which was a plus. And we ended up leaving before the rain really started coming down. Definitely something I want to do again (especialy with people I don't get to shoot in real life).

-Appa polly lodges for the following. Its a blog, i'm not a depressed goth, but I can still go on about how badly I feel.

I'm getting lonely more frequently lately. I don't know whats changed, but I feel like I have to go out at least 4 times a week, or I get very moody. Its probably just the voices telling me I'm inadiquate as a human being, and i'm trying to define myself by the people I hang out with and where we go. Problem with that is when they arn't there I feel lonely, and when they are there, I ocationaly get picked on. How does one go out in the middle of the week, without anyone to go with? or rather, how does one find people to go out with middle of the week, when there is no one in present social tiers that is either willing or able to go? Is a bar or pub to be frequented where one eats at the bar to try and attract the random parallel lonely week night soul? Or should the whole matter be left completely out, and should the individual watch movies at home during the week, and spend the weekend as the only "out of the house days"? Here I am talking about myself in the third person again. I do that quite often don't I? Sometimes I don't even realize it. Could be that any time I self analize its realy my conscience doing the talking, and that SOB is a mean bastard that really knows how to pick out all my faults and use them against me to make me feel the worst it can. How the fuck am I supposed to behave right when it tells me most things I do or think are wrong? eh? How can I believe something that tells me that I should be meek and accepting and that most of my friends are horrible sinners. IT JUST WON"T SHUT UP. The worst time is when I'm trying to get to sleep. It starts in on me with the what ifs and the list of things that I am unable to do or comprehend which every neanderthanll jock on this god forsaken rock is able to do from the age of 15. Haven't I earned something? I have worked so hard lately at being better. Being more social, being well groomed, well dressed, more literate and worldy, more open to new ideas and new people and their ways of life. And I feel like it might all be a waste, because I can't feel like the others do. Even when I'm giving ample opertunity I don't get it until after the fact, and its always reflecting upon some failure in my part. and its never right after the fact either, its more weeks or so after, and light dawns that I just burned a bridge that could have been open to me had I just asked. That I just lost something that now I wish I had and is no longer available to me. It hurts more that I can't let them go, nor will I stop trying. If I could cold turkey some of it, or, ya know, meet new people to "busy" myself with maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but when I keep going back to the same people and expecting different behavior because of some new trick or concept and still nothing comes of it.... well, I disgust myself. and no one will read this, so I don't really know why I'm puting it all down. Maybe to make myself feel like i've purged something, but in the end, it really just stirs stuff up that should proably lay settled. Actually I'll probably get an IM from Matt asking if i'm ok, and I'll say that I am, because there is nothing physicaly wrong, and also there is nothing he can do that will help me. Actually I feel worse that I can't get myself together because I see in him and some other of my friends this same malidy. Don't take that as a diss or anything, I guess I just feel badly when I can't save the world. Ok, this has gone on long enough. I'm going to get to sleep now. Oh, and if certain parties do read this far down, as reply to certain life editorials as of late, "Cry me a fucking river that fate screwed you over. Her job is to test us and show us what we need to see. There will always be a purpose and a reason for what happens, even if you can't ever see it because you have now been shielded against some worse foh-pah in the future. And if fate again and again drive you away, then I would take that as a hint, not an invitation to work harder." Oh, and I want to make sure I don't get any of those "are you sure your ok Chris?" calls or IM's concerned that i'm a troubled youth and that I'm going to kill myself or something. For the record I have student loans to pay off and elderly family members which would not take that very well, and I would also like to see the apocolypse round about 2016, so I plan on being around at least for that.

Ok, get the hell out of here you mangy scavengers

::Damn this sudden but eventual betrayal!::